Whiskey Tavern is my favorite bar in nyc for a bunch of reasons that are primarily pickle-related. i pretty much walk up in here and order some fried pickles to wash down with a few pickle-backs and go home happy. if you’re really hardcore, then you can add to this pregnancy buffet… a bowl o’bacon. YEP.
today i found a new reason to continue loving this place an exorbitant amount. The silly motherfuckers have an ANONYMOUS QUOTE on the front page of their website.
if this isn’t a joke, then i don’t want to know what a joke is.
if i was an inanimate object, i’d be a label maker. i feel an urgent need to be able to classify things as more specific things, and then to compile these into groups of vague relevance. Lists, they call them. and i love lists.
things i’m good at:
-being self-deprecating (mainly to distract people from the truth that i’m 98% narcissistic)
-recognizing faces (also known as heavily stalking people on the internet)
-spending all my money
-falling asleep during movies
-texting 300x a day
-getting parking tickets
things i’m not good at:
-caring about the environment
-showing up to work on time (i can arrive everywhere else within reasonable punctuality)
-making physical introductions (“sorry, i forgot you weren’t invisible..”)
-blogging (refer to self-deprecating fallacy above)
-listening to music at healthy decible levels (insert awkward subway/elevator experiences)
-making my compliments sound genuine
-cooking anything that you might enjoy eating
things i want to do when i’m 69
-rock obscene amounts of old-lady cleavage (stoked for inter-generational awkwardness)
-wear a diaper whenever i stinkin’ want
-dye my hair pink
-walk around with a hairless cat on my shoulder named angelina jolie
-drive a tricked out german automobile
getting old sounds like a hell of an opportunity to dispel awkwardness upon anything and everything, with the excuse of slowly going crazy while watching my live body deteriorate- a notion i intend on exploiting to the fullest.
So, naturally, i had no idea the Golden Globes were on… nor that Madonna was nominated for anything… nor that she actually won (Team Elton over here). BUT, her speech was worth an eye-roll and a half. I mean, a little more humility please. Especially after your cuntish attack on hydrangeas and nice gestures in general was caught on tape.
let me refresh the memory of those who have exhaled their short-term memory to shit:
Case and point: Madonna’s a horrible bitch. i may be PMSing, but she’s still a grade-A skank.
apparently the masses agree!
hopefully we can see this kind of sensical solidarity in the 2012 presidential elections.